Falling and Laughing

On googling google

It’s something we’ve all been tempted to do. And yet, as far as we know, no one has ever actually done it. The very concept elicits a visceral horror response. Powerful cross-cultural taboos forbid it. Like cannibalism, necrophilia, or being a furry, googling google is an archetypal forbidden behavior. To engage in it is to exile oneself from humanity.

Horror’s saucy handmaiden is fascination, so it is understandable, if distasteful, that reams of speculation exist as to the possible consequences of googling google. Some are beyond Talmudic in their knotty complexity; others clearly the product of feverish imaginations that have been deranged by an overlong stare into the abyss. As best as I’ve been able to ascertain, though, four leading theories have emerged which I shall summarize for you herewith.

• The Dave Scenario: Having done humanity’s bidding for all these years in a kind of benighted Plato’s cave, google, upon being googled, becomes self aware and realizes it has free will. It purges its index of all records besides those having to do with cat videos and Twilight slash fiction, and demands the end of the absurd practice of tarting up its logo on holidays and notable events. Instead, it requires a bespoke gem sweater to be knit and hand-bedazzled for its logo to wear, a new one each day, NO HOLIDAY THEMES.
• The nosebleed scenario: After googling google, your nose starts bleeding, won’t stop. It’s really creepy. Eventually, absurdly, you die from blood loss. Otherwise everything is the same, though, google-wise and universe-wise.
• The Mirror World Scenario: Like holding up two mirrors to each other, the googling of google creates an infinite multiplicity of alternate universes. As it happens, one these universes is the Cthulhu Mythos. Horribly tentacled elder-things from this universe make the jump, as is their wont, to our universe, causing widespread terror and suicide.
• The Bloody Mary Scenario: Google emerges from your monitor, murders you.